When the dust settles...

Hokay...so I am outta the hell-hole. I ought to be happy, no?

Quite frankly...NO.

Weirdo, some say. You got an early release which you wanted. You have plenty of time to do what you want and you don't like it? Weirdo, man!

Well...YES.

It's funny. I should be elated. Delirious. I resigned in mid-Jan and I am outta there before the 2 months notice is up but strangely, I am not the least happy.

I am LOST. I feel LOST. Like there's no need for me anymore.

Damn! Has that shitass job really gotten to me that much?

I spent the last 3 days just mopping around the house. Suddenly faced with so much free time and freedom, I simply used it all up on rubbish things...e.g. picking my nose, porn, reading, pounding on the calories, working out and porn. Like how a baby suckles crazily on a pacifier reintroduced into her mouth, I decided to do everything that doesn't matter (except the working out and calorie-loading cos goddamit! I want my body back) and left aside those that are are considerably more serious...like the call from my ex-manager, the SMS from Alvin about repayment, the girlfriend, the MSNs from Rongjia and Chris.

Was I THAT deprived of freedom and time? So much that when I was suddenly faced with a deluge of these, I was temporarily frazzle-eyed.

Or maybe I am just a true-blue slacker.

But that doesn't explain why I felt lost when I didn't have to drag myself to work anymore. I wanted to do something but I just didn't want to deal with the bread-and-butter stuff....yet. Still, I did my resume...in sporadic bursts.

I thought I must be nuts until...
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/RetirementandWills/EscapeTheRatRace/YoureSuddenlyRichBummer.aspxEscapeTheRatRace/YoureSuddenlyRichBummer.aspx
"Bradley focuses on strategies to help people cope with the swirl of confusing emotions and impulses that come with sudden money. In fact, she wrote a book about it, "Sudden Money: Managing a Financial Windfall." But after her book was published in 2000, she says, "I started hearing more about Sudden Loss."
Here's what she found: Sudden loss and sudden wealth have quite a bit in common. Bradley found that the techniques she used with clients suffering from sudden wealth were just as useful for those plummeting toward a dot-com bottom. "That's when I realized that it's not about the sudden increase in income, it's about the sudden shift," Bradley said.

Abrupt changes, emotional bombshells

All this may be more relevant to your own life than you think. PowerBall or no, any of us could experience a sudden financial shift. That's painfully true for the many Americans who have lost their jobs in the past few years."

Now I get it...

I lost my job. No, wait...I fucked the job. And although technically, I am getting paid for my time until mid March, I had the security carpet pulled from under my legs. In case you wonder...no, I don't have another job waiting when I quit. Now, now...stop giving me that headshake and pregnant pauses. I just felt it was time to cut my losses. Sometimes you just have to know when to go.

Little wonder I felt LOST.

So I am going back to the office on Friday...

To collect the remainder of my pay la. DUH!

Four Later

4 months later...

I absolutely hate my job.

It wouldn't be so bad if it's a dedicated position i.e. 1 program but no, here everyone has dual portofolios. There are just too many negatives about this job and I can only summarise as: unfair compensation and immense workload.As it was, I was promised at my interview that I wouldn't have more than 200 students to handle. And in late August, this was sweetened with some encouraging words from our friendly director that we would have 180 students tops. On both counts, the management failed to deliver. To make things worse, I had my manager manipulate my student numbers right before my eyes. She totally lost my respect now.

There must be something wrong with the air when you hear that there was previously a two hundred percent turnover before I was recruited. But I shook it off.

As if to prove a point, my director reminded me how bad her attitude is towards the very people who work for her. She yelled at my colleague. Now, not too loudly but in a cramped working environment such as ours, you can be pretty sure everyone heard.

Ah yes, the severe shortage of space we have in the office. The whole place is bursting at the seams because we are handling way too many students for our own good. But that's understandable - our CEO is only concerned about the bottomline. Whatever talk of good service is just a load of hot air. To reply to students' queries within 24 hours is only possible if you bring your work home and put in extra hours at the office which the management refuse to recognise as overtime. To remember over 200 names (we are evaluated on our ability to greet all our customers by their first name) is impossible unless you have spent at least 3 months with your students. To put your own employees at the beck and call of students is straining everyone of us. The director's talk of doing away with the evaluation segment is only superficial because she put in place new terms and tried to hoodwink us into thinking that our job is less stressful now.

I really dislike it when people try to make me look stupid. Please don't.

So now, I will stick it in for the next one week. Put on a cheery persona and stop complaining so much. I am leaving in November.

June New

6 months into my job search, I am back at what I did before. Bye career change. At least this one pays a little higher than my last and there's more work to be done - I get to be in charge of 200 students. It's a new beginning 5th June.

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Cant say I am happy or disappointed. Sorta indifferent. After all those horrid times I have experienced looking for a job like the SSY one which really riled me cos the directors openly admitted they have not read my resume and were just plucking random questions from thin air to make up my "interview". A little mutual respect is lacking here isn't it? You know you have an interview, you make time to read the candidate's resume so you can ask intelligent questions. Thank you but you can take your job and shove it up your own ass.

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Which only serves to reinforce my ambition to do something on my own.

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While acknowledging that I am not ready yet:

Me: At our age, we are just at the bottom of the chain. They (put your manager or supervisor's name here) are just bloodsuckers. I don't like to be sucked. I rather suck.

Ailing: But before you can suck, you must be sucked.

Me: (sheepishly) yeah...

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So, alright. I will tolerate whatever comes my way and do my best. Till I am ready to strike out on my own. Keep your eyes peeled.

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About reservist, the best things that came outta it was some (little) income, my clearing the IPPT which means more money too and some time away from the depressing routine of job-hunting. Not to mention finding the extra strength to come away with a credible showing at BCS deployment and the back-breaking task of shelscrap digging. It was a good break I needed. Reservist....thats what it's good for. A little time away from the real world where you engage in make-believe and lobo so much you eat just as much.Onward to a new beginning in June. See you there!

Knock it down

It's May now. All things considered, this year surely would go down as the pits for me:
1) Still jobless...and I am feeling left behind. The harsh reality is a degree qualification doesnt guarantee anything anymore. And it's not just me. People I have met, they too are unemployed for at least 3 months and onwards - fellow interview candidates, the gf's friend, army mate etc. What's going on here? Who's getting all the jobs then?
2) Across a road in Serangoon therein lies Aljunied GRC, which got to vote. I...am on the other side of the road.
3) Going into reservist when I havent found a job. Not to mention it cost me a lucrative job at Citibank, which probably would mean the end of my relationship with the gf anyway cos the hours would mean us meeting on weekends only.

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Reservist is not what I really looking forward to right now. After giving 2.5 years of your life up for the country, you get a miserly $100 in the Progress Package and a token tax relief. What about the mental anguish? Nobody ever mentions that. Reservist with these bunch of guys is like revisiting a nightmare. I've never liked these people cos they are a bunch of loud talkers with a long history of back-stabbing and politicking that would put even the most seasoned office bitches to shame. Sng is this scheming bastard with protuding eyes and a hunch. A truly unpleasant person to deal with. Loke is the guy who bore the brunt of Sng's bullying ways with me. But he's a ball-carrier and soon earned the trust of LPS. And LPS is a real complete wuss who talks in a shrill voice and gestures ever so often with those bony fingers of his. Having these 3 for company for 4 days...I really feel like ending my life now. Really. And there's 1o days more of this coming up.

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But really, NS wasnt that half-bad. Like I always say, when you are in the pumping position and you had your face this close to the ground, you better learn to be humble. It really made men out of us. Cos you learn to deal with shit e.g. cursing the chao keh ones who would always sabo your platoon or making the best of your weekend duties i.e. beg, borrow or steal a Playstation. Cos you learn what real sian is all about e.g. in full battle order and standing at attention on the parade square on a fucking Saturday. THEN loading onto the 3-tonners AND going into the fucking jungles for live firing. For the next 3 days.

When the sun sets

Friday was Zouk-going with Yifeng, Ben and their entourage of friends, sister, cousins and gf. Trentmoller was the main dish of the day at Zouk and them doing their effects live made for something else to look at while you are busy shuffling your feet on the floor. The 2nd hour was flat, so I took them to Phuture for some hip-hop. We were back at Zouk in time for some heavier tribal sounds, which was awesome. Would have loved to show them Velvet cos personally, I haven't been there for eons. And how I miss the soul house... OK,OK...the eye candy as well,OK?

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Saturday evening was a marked change from Friday. For one thing, it didnt start at the usually late hours. Went Altivo with the gf around 645pm just so we could catch the sunset. Contrary to what most people complain about, Mount Faber isnt that difficult to get to. Come on, just take a cab. It is only difficult because you dont drive AND you dont wanna pay $5 to get up that hill.

Anyway, the sunset lasted all of 15 minutes. We ordered expresso for me cos I had enough alcohol the night before and a chocolate martini for her, with nary a hint of chocolate at all. The red highback sofas are gone and in their place, these rattan chairs which are hugely uncomfortable for lounging more than half an hour.

If you want a memorable date different from the usual dinner-movie-club routine, have an hour at Altivo and watch as day turn into dusk. Finish it off with a bang with a ride on the cable car and stroll to Siloso beach for some outdoor jazz/live music. You will end up poorer, for sure but you will score :)

So club me already

Shit. I've got an interview in 8hrs time and I can't get to sleep yet.


Must the nagging thought of missing out on Arsenal vs Real Madrid that's forcing this insomniac streak.But then again, I havent been sleeping BEFORE 5am for almost 2 months now...

Nah, it's the match.

I need to be clubbed. Preferably on the head.So lala land beckons.............................

On that note, I havent been clubbing quite as much anymore. It must be the lack of good djs which can make my die-die list. Or it might just be because I rather chill with the gf more. Or *gasp* I must have had it up to here with clubbing.It's all three lar.

So....I need new fun. Retail therapy (the gf is miles better at this, of course) surely counts as one. Nothing beats the feeling of buying your way into some material warmth. Like those pudgy goldfish (they are my boys, hokay?!) making a corner of my desk their habitat now. They are a recurring expense of course but once the retail therapeutic effect wears off, you get something quite different.A sense of responsibility, yo?

Everybody now......AWWWWWWWWWWWW!

You can have it too if you intend to spend your lousy hours cleaning after those bastards, erm boys. That said, they are still my boys.

So get your dirty paw out of there! Pronto!